Definition of ‘Love’ by a messed up teen caught in her 20’s

I think I’m finally ready to talk about this topic- Love. I’d always avoided having this conversations whenever my friends or family brought it up.

Have I loved anyone? When someone asks me about love they mean soulmates kinda love but I’d never been in any relationships. Yes, I’m 20, still single and never dated anybody.

I get this question a lot. Why didn’t I love anyone? Why, why and why?

It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I never tried to.
I used to be selfish with hopeless romantic skills so all I ever did was study and get into a top university. My life was a complicated mess during my teenage years with my insecurities, fears, past trauma and depression so I never thought of dragging an man into my pitfall. Before getting into any relationship, I wanted to love and embrace myself first.

I’m more of a reserved type, shy and trusts no one but don’t underestimate me because I go to extremes to get what I want.
So it’s not that I didn’t take any effort to find love, let’s just say that I was not good in making that love conversation with anyone. It takes a very long time for me to open up and speak my heart. Till now, no one stayed with me by that time.

Also, I am a girl who values her mom’s word and follow her dad’s advice. Their only dream is to see me as a strong, happy and independent women who is capable of paying her own damn bills.
That’s my ultimate goal too and I will do everything in my life to achieve it. The rest can wait.

On second thought, I was never ready for it. Relationships or dating means commitment; being able to help, support, encourage, admire or dedicate your mind, energy, time so that there is a strong connection between two people. You need to put lot of effort into it. I don’t think I was ever ready for that.

When I love someone, I do it wholeheartedly. My love is pure, innocent and delicate so I was constantly worried about putting it in wrong hands. I was like “Does he deserve all my love and affection? Is he really worth it?” and then I’ll be like “nah! Absolutely not”

Had crush but no love?

Yes, I fangirl too much on idols, artists and korean singers. I also cry over fictional, anime or 2D characters in books.

But I don’t want to give a lame excuse like rest of the girls saying “my expectations in men are high”. Okay, My interest in men are quite different and I agree with that because I admire celebrities like Harry styles, Jackson Wang, Park jimin so you get it right…? I stan BTS, remember? I know it’s impossible to expect everyone to be so perfect or act like these gentlemen, so I never set my expectations high on men in real life. You don’t have to judge my type in men or think that I only like these kind of guys. You can be yourself and I’ll still fall head over heals for you.

I know how love feels like, ironically. It might be different from admiring my favorite idol, crying over a dead fictional character, stalking a celebrity in insta or expecting my crush to reply to my status but I know how it feels.

I had few crushes on real life guys and as expected, those feelings eventually faded. I only admired their small activities like responses, reactions and behaviors and that too only from afar. “Yes, I was not in love with you. I was in love with the idea of being loved by you.”

Do I believe in love?

Of course, I do. Love is what kept me alive all these years. I’m not a fool to say it doesn’t exist because I’ve never been in any relationships. I’m also not stupid enough to say ‘true love exists’. Love can hurt you, pierce your heart and break you down and yet it can also make you feel euphoric, happy and blessed. Love is not all roses and whine. Sometimes it’s throns and scars but everything is fine. (Damn. Did I just write a 2 line haiku here?) So yeah, I believe in love but sometimes I find it so hard to believe that I’m being loved.

Then what does love mean to me?

I haven’t really “thought” of it deeply but for me love is understanding. It’s all about understanding.

You love someone because of how well they understand you even though both your personalities are Venues and Mars or like different starts. Sometimes they won’t get you but will find every possible way to understand you. That’s love. Love is what we all want and need.

It has different forms, exist in different layers. Some are complicated, some love is straight forward, some love are secretive, sensitive or fragile while some are toxic, hard and cruel. Most of the other love can’t be exactly explained. To me, it’s also a most complicated feeling to ever exist. I guess it depends from person to person and whom we decide to let them hurt or love us.

Love is selfless. You don’t love someone to get anything in return like to fix you, change you or fill your void. You just love them because of who they are, how they treat you, understand or even comfort you. In the end, you realize your happiness lies in their smile. It’s that selfless. A life filled with only ‘love and a happily ever after’ is unrealistic. It’s a mere fantasy because love also gives you unbearable pain. The thing is, we get to chose who can hurt us. It’s painful but that’s our choice, so we like it.

Will I go looking for love?

I don’t think so. I’ll better wait, not for my perfect fairytale prince to come and find me, but… for that one man who decides to stay and love me for who I am.

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Sometimes I even felt like love is nothing but a myth. A myth that is forced upon people to believe. I still think the kind of love that is shown in romantic movies or dramas are nothing but a lie because that’s never gonna happen in real life.

At one point I felt like I loved everyone but found it difficult to believe that I was being loved by them but that doesn’t deny the fact that I’m happy with all the people and love that I receive in my life. I’m blessed and that’s all matters in the end.

I guess that summerizes everything. I feel relieved answering all the questions that people kept asking me all these years. I remember answering such questions with plain “yes or no” answer and never gave them a proper explanation. They ended up thinking I was too native or immature to understand the meaning of love. Guess I still am or maybe not.

So the next time don’t just ask me, WHY? There is a lot to explain and it’s way more complicated.

To all the women who could relate to me:

Don’t fall in love just for the sake of showing or filling your loneliness with it. It’s okay to be alone and happy rather than in a relationship but unhappy. Just imagine the women you want to be. What is her life like? Does she works for somebody or run the show all by herself. What are her bank accounts like? And what type of daily habits that she have? Visualize who you wanna be and show up as her Every. Single. Damn. Day. If you get someone who remembers your small conversations, jokes around with you, give compliments, discuss his future, cares about your health, puts a lot of effort to be in contact with you, then… hold on to him. It’s rare to see a guy falling head over heals for a girl these days. If not, don’t worry. Your right man will come looking for you at your most appropriate time. Relationships won’t heal you and being single won’t kill you, remember that.

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What is your idea of ‘soulmate love’? What does it mean to you? Have you ever felt like you’re so out of love to even give or take!? Tell me in the comments below and let’s have a big girl talk.