Definition of ‘Love’ by a messed up teen caught in her 20’s

I think I’m finally ready to talk about this topic- Love. I’d always avoided having this conversations whenever my friends or family brought it up.

Have I loved anyone? When someone asks me about love they mean soulmates kinda love but I’d never been in any relationships. Yes, I’m 20, still single and never dated anybody.

I get this question a lot. Why didn’t I love anyone? Why, why and why?

It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I never tried to.
I used to be selfish with hopeless romantic skills so all I ever did was study and get into a top university. My life was a complicated mess during my teenage years with my insecurities, fears, past trauma and depression so I never thought of dragging an man into my pitfall. Before getting into any relationship, I wanted to love and embrace myself first.

I’m more of a reserved type, shy and trusts no one but don’t underestimate me because I go to extremes to get what I want.
So it’s not that I didn’t take any effort to find love, let’s just say that I was not good in making that love conversation with anyone. It takes a very long time for me to open up and speak my heart. Till now, no one stayed with me by that time.

Also, I am a girl who values her mom’s word and follow her dad’s advice. Their only dream is to see me as a strong, happy and independent women who is capable of paying her own damn bills.
That’s my ultimate goal too and I will do everything in my life to achieve it. The rest can wait.

On second thought, I was never ready for it. Relationships or dating means commitment; being able to help, support, encourage, admire or dedicate your mind, energy, time so that there is a strong connection between two people. You need to put lot of effort into it. I don’t think I was ever ready for that.

When I love someone, I do it wholeheartedly. My love is pure, innocent and delicate so I was constantly worried about putting it in wrong hands. I was like “Does he deserve all my love and affection? Is he really worth it?” and then I’ll be like “nah! Absolutely not”

Had crush but no love?

Yes, I fangirl too much on idols, artists and korean singers. I also cry over fictional, anime or 2D characters in books.

But I don’t want to give a lame excuse like rest of the girls saying “my expectations in men are high”. Okay, My interest in men are quite different and I agree with that because I admire celebrities like Harry styles, Jackson Wang, Park jimin so you get it right…? I stan BTS, remember? I know it’s impossible to expect everyone to be so perfect or act like these gentlemen, so I never set my expectations high on men in real life. You don’t have to judge my type in men or think that I only like these kind of guys. You can be yourself and I’ll still fall head over heals for you.

I know how love feels like, ironically. It might be different from admiring my favorite idol, crying over a dead fictional character, stalking a celebrity in insta or expecting my crush to reply to my status but I know how it feels.

I had few crushes on real life guys and as expected, those feelings eventually faded. I only admired their small activities like responses, reactions and behaviors and that too only from afar. “Yes, I was not in love with you. I was in love with the idea of being loved by you.”

Do I believe in love?

Of course, I do. Love is what kept me alive all these years. I’m not a fool to say it doesn’t exist because I’ve never been in any relationships. I’m also not stupid enough to say ‘true love exists’. Love can hurt you, pierce your heart and break you down and yet it can also make you feel euphoric, happy and blessed. Love is not all roses and whine. Sometimes it’s throns and scars but everything is fine. (Damn. Did I just write a 2 line haiku here?) So yeah, I believe in love but sometimes I find it so hard to believe that I’m being loved.

Then what does love mean to me?

I haven’t really “thought” of it deeply but for me love is understanding. It’s all about understanding.

You love someone because of how well they understand you even though both your personalities are Venues and Mars or like different starts. Sometimes they won’t get you but will find every possible way to understand you. That’s love. Love is what we all want and need.

It has different forms, exist in different layers. Some are complicated, some love is straight forward, some love are secretive, sensitive or fragile while some are toxic, hard and cruel. Most of the other love can’t be exactly explained. To me, it’s also a most complicated feeling to ever exist. I guess it depends from person to person and whom we decide to let them hurt or love us.

Love is selfless. You don’t love someone to get anything in return like to fix you, change you or fill your void. You just love them because of who they are, how they treat you, understand or even comfort you. In the end, you realize your happiness lies in their smile. It’s that selfless. A life filled with only ‘love and a happily ever after’ is unrealistic. It’s a mere fantasy because love also gives you unbearable pain. The thing is, we get to chose who can hurt us. It’s painful but that’s our choice, so we like it.

Will I go looking for love?

I don’t think so. I’ll better wait, not for my perfect fairytale prince to come and find me, but… for that one man who decides to stay and love me for who I am.


Sometimes I even felt like love is nothing but a myth. A myth that is forced upon people to believe. I still think the kind of love that is shown in romantic movies or dramas are nothing but a lie because that’s never gonna happen in real life.

At one point I felt like I loved everyone but found it difficult to believe that I was being loved by them but that doesn’t deny the fact that I’m happy with all the people and love that I receive in my life. I’m blessed and that’s all matters in the end.

I guess that summerizes everything. I feel relieved answering all the questions that people kept asking me all these years. I remember answering such questions with plain “yes or no” answer and never gave them a proper explanation. They ended up thinking I was too native or immature to understand the meaning of love. Guess I still am or maybe not.

So the next time don’t just ask me, WHY? There is a lot to explain and it’s way more complicated.

To all the women who could relate to me:

Don’t fall in love just for the sake of showing or filling your loneliness with it. It’s okay to be alone and happy rather than in a relationship but unhappy. Just imagine the women you want to be. What is her life like? Does she works for somebody or run the show all by herself. What are her bank accounts like? And what type of daily habits that she have? Visualize who you wanna be and show up as her Every. Single. Damn. Day. If you get someone who remembers your small conversations, jokes around with you, give compliments, discuss his future, cares about your health, puts a lot of effort to be in contact with you, then… hold on to him. It’s rare to see a guy falling head over heals for a girl these days. If not, don’t worry. Your right man will come looking for you at your most appropriate time. Relationships won’t heal you and being single won’t kill you, remember that.

What is your idea of ‘soulmate love’? What does it mean to you? Have you ever felt like you’re so out of love to even give or take!? Tell me in the comments below and let’s have a big girl talk.

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46 thoughts on “Definition of ‘Love’ by a messed up teen caught in her 20’s

  1. What a cool post! Fangirling will be something I will never stop. I think I fall in love with book characters more easily than in real life! I mean, LOOK UP KEEFE SENCEN AND TELL ME HE IS`N’T THE BEST-

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your sensible and sincere post. It’s really amazing that just like you, my daughter who is little older than you also believes in true love, worked hard for her carreer and idolizes all the BTS members specially JK and V !!
    Sha have had her own share of crushes in the past but after getting to know the boy, realises that he is not the one for her.
    I wish and pray to God that in coming new year she, you and all who believe in true love find their own soulmates! ❤💖💝
    Respecting each other’s sensibilities and emotion and supporting each other wholeheartedly is very important in an enduring relationship as you have mentioned. 🙂
    God bless!❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your comment literally made my day!! Thank you so much for such kind words and appreciating my thoughts. I’m happy to hear that. You must be so proud of your daughter. Admiring BTS not only gives us happiness but also comfort and a strong motivation to focus on ourselves. Self love should be preached by someone to these generation kids and I’m grateful that they do.

      Thank you so much once again!! It means a lot. Sending you much love and healings to you too. ❤️❤️
      Merry Christmas ✨

      Like

      1. Merry Christmas dear. You know, even I am a great admirer of BTS. I like their music, their hardwork, sincerity and their down to earth attitude. No doubt they are such a rage today. Self love and self confidence must be nurtured by the young generation. I am glad that they are inspiring and showing the way.

        Sending you my love and loads of good wishes to you. ❤💖

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Definitely, an amazing piece. 💜 The inland chambers of my heart, and soul was often safeguarded by emotions. But your penmanship spilled every words and emotions. I strongly do believe in love. Indeed a true love, the celebrity crushes standards made my eyes open wide. Mind blowing.💜💫

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This is such a sweet and relatable post!
    Being a teenager, it’s kind of hard to stand your ground and not just jump into things because everyone else is doing it; and my gosh have you conveyed all my unsaid feelings in this post

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You are just 20 and you already sound so clear, mature and confident and that is enough! Love doesn’t eventually translate into relationship. In today’s world, love is defined between only a boy and a girl into a relationship. You love your family and that is also one form of Love. Nice post!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much!! ❤️
      Happy to hear that from you. You are absolutely right. I don’t want to emotionally jump into relationships just because I’m bored being single and desperately want someone to take care of me.
      I believe in “love will find it’s way back to me” instead of trying to chase it.
      Finalyy someone said it!! I never understood how love is defined only between a boy and a girl. Family is love. Friendship is love. Talking to a stranger with a polite voice is love. Feeding a stray dog is love. Love is literally there in every single action that we do and yet some people have the aducity to laugh at someone and say ‘you don’t know how it feels to be loved’ just because he or she never dated or been in any relationship!!
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts into it.
      Have a great day ahead ✨

      Liked by 2 people

      1. My pleasure sharing my thoughts on this beautiful post of yours. Can totally relate to your thoughts and society takes. It feels bad to hear such things just because we are currently not in a relationship but we love the whole society.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I didn’t date until I was 21 and I waited until I was ready. But when I was ready, I chased after love which worked out, surprisingly. My parents didn’t expect anything of me either.

    I also chased after a career and good paying job. I studied a degree I aged at a university they wanted me to go to make them happy. This turned out to be a huge mistake for me. I recommend aiming for independence but don’t do this to please others. Do it for you. If you try to please your parents, you’ll end up regretting it…. This is my biggest regret in life. I spent my 20’s fixing that mistake and getting a second undergraduate degree that my parents didn’t approve of. Ironically, it’s this degree that pays the bills and landed me a job straight out of university!

    Sincerely,
    Advice from a 30-year old 😅

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I can understand how you must have felt at that time. We should definitely not do anything to please others.
      Everything I do in my life, I’m doing it for one and only myself 💜✨
      I’m still growing and want to take things slow before emotionally jumping into relationships.
      I’m glad you are happy with your job now.
      Thanks once again!!
      Have a great day ahead ✨

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I figured that my story was [hopefully] relatable to what you’re going through. It gets better. It’s tempting to want to please our parents and everyone else around us, including the people who we are closest to. As for relationships, being single is a great time to figure out who you are. I think it’s better to figure this out now rather than jumping into relationship after relationship like I’ve seen so many ppl do….

        My job now as a RN is good. It can be stressful and challenging in the hospital, and the future looks hopeful. Nobody believed in me when I decided to go to nursing school, so I had to believe in myself!

        Never give up on your dreams!! ⭐️

        Liked by 1 person

  7. You said relationships mean commitments but if you find the right type of guy even if you are not physically present with him he will not pressurise you to remove time for him. He will understand you before anybody else will. There is no dedication it’s called loyalty and up to what lengths you can go to keep him in your life with you. You said your priorities are to earn enough to pay your own bills that’s my priority too but I see it in a way that if I find an ideal person I would love to have a relationship with him or if I get suitable career opportunities I would make my career. Sometimes things are not in our hands you need to go with the flow. If you find love you should not waste time on realising and keep delaying it but if you find something career related what you’ve always wanted first you should go ahead with that. But in order to make your partner emotionally happy you need to first have a relationship with your mind and heart and listen to both of them equally if you do that you will never go wrong in life trust me♥️🤍✨

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You might be right. Loyalty is rare these days and I really wish everyone gets a soulmate like you’ve described here. ❤️❤️
      Absolutely!! But like I’ve said, I never met someone like that so it’s better to focus on my dream than trying to chase love.
      I’m already going with the flow 😪
      Totally argee with you. Thanks for sharing your valuable thoughts with me!! ❤️
      Have a great day ahead ✨

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You will don’t worry you deserve that kind of love we all do. But you are only 20 so completely fine if you haven’t met your soulmate yet you will soon enough when the time is right. Absolutely you focus on your dreams who knows you might find the one right there. You too have a great day ahead🤍🦋🧿✨

        Liked by 1 person

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