“Mama asked me what my plan is for the future
But I don’t even know what’s going on for dinner
I’m 24 now, thought I could finally settle down
24 by Sundial
Parties end before I’m drunk
Friday night I’m tired as fuck
I don’t know how I ended up like this
Can someone tell me what the hell I missed? (Missed, yeah)”
The year 2021 just got ended and here I am still procrastinating about what the hell happened in my life after 2019?
When I started writing this post, I warned myself not to make it sound so gloomy or depressing but I can’t deny the fact that the last time I laughed so hard was ages ago.
A lot of things happened in this so called long period of time. Lost my grandfather, graduated from college through online, stayed home all day and night wondering was I living right, regretted my choices, binge-watched series, had a messed up sleep schedule, unhealthy diet and then finally joined in an university to pursue my post graduate degree.
I feel like I’m in middle of a greatest transformation- mentally, physically and spiritually. I’m trying to change myself for good. From a foolish, vulnerable and careless girl to a strong, independent women who fears of no one if she is right. Everyday seems like a fight. All the things that used to bring me happiness doesn’t excite me anymore. I’m interested in absolutely nothing like to have friends, talk with a guy or fall in love, hang out, continue my passion, go to college or at least even to study. Do you know how it feels like to be ‘so out of love in everything’!? It sucks. I feel so numb and it’s making me wonder what is wrong with me. Adulthood scares me sometimes. I know what is right and what is wrong yet I find it so difficult to make certain decisions, handle embarrassing situations, make new friends, live unsupervised, socialize like a normal person or at least guard my fragile heart. Sensitive people never have it easy in this cruel world and it sucks knowing I’m one among them. No suicidal shit or whatever but sometimes I look at this world and just don’t feel like participating. All those days when i cried alone at night, convincing myself to sleep still remain dark and deep in my soul. No one deserves to be felt that way and… neither do I. Don’t worry about me. I cry to a lot of things but it’s also my way of bouncing back stronger.
My dear 2021, the last time I remember speaking to you was on the day of my new year resolution. It’s funny how I promised previous year the same and accomplished none as usual. Even though I hated you the most, I just want to say thank you for teaching me a lot of things. Thank you for making me cry. Thank you for making me understand and love my family more. Thank you for breaking me down and thank you for allowing myself to lift me up again. I’m more mature now. I’m not the same girl who used to be afraid of scar or loneliness anymore. I don’t fit. I never fit in with others. I’m unique, beautiful and rare. You made me realize it’s all part of the life so I just want to say: Thank you.
To all my loved ones whom I’ve lost on the way, to all the strangers who promised me forever, to all the failure, depression, stress and my old friend anxiety- here I am waiting for something to change with a hopeful smile on my face.
Laying on my bed. It’s 11:50 Pm. Unnecessary thoughts kept running in my head. I opened my laptop to start the countdown and plugged my headphones in to play “Zero’ O Clock” by BTS. When the minute and second hands overlapped at the exact time, it felt like the world holded it’s breath for a little while to say “You’re gonna be happy”.
And I knew I’m gonna be happy : )
P. S: After 12:00 Pm, I called my family and friends to wish happy new year, had a little chat with my blog besties and spent a quality time : )